My name's Sarah and this is my story.
I have lived in a small town in Oregon all my life. Born here, raised here and will probably die in this blasted town, but it's my home, so I don't mind.
My life, well is dim; probably from all of the events that have happened in the course of these eighteen years. Not all events were bad, but most, well, most are terrifying and I hope no one has to endure some of the things that I have.
I will not give up at life, even with these events. I will not take the easy way out and end it here.
I want to live; to prevent these things from happening to people in the future.
***
Both of my parents were alcoholics basically all of my life. I didn't have really a childhood.
It flashed from infancy to adulthood in a blink of an eye. Scary, really, how that works, isn't it?
Sixth grade, was probably, the worst year of my entire life.
That's when everything jumped.
My body and mind didn't bloom like others, Sure I got all the same things girls did in middle school. It jumped. Jumped into a world of sorrow and pain; a world that I could only see my future dim, not brighten.
But, as all things go, everything happens for a reason and I cannot erase my past, although I want to so dearly.
Tears and shakiness.
Well, after I graduated, I moved to Maryland with my boyfriend. It was indeed, a drastic move but I had to get away from my mother's drunken stance in my life. I just wish I could have done the same with my brother.
I will admit, I love him, my now exboyfriend. However, it was a fool's love, one that ended in misery and grief. Things went well the first couple months though he did have an anger problem, I taught myself to put up with it. I was so in love with him, I had no idea that he was controlling my life and taking me away from my family.About three and a half months after I moved to Maryland, things got a little rocky; both on the home front and in Maryland.
My mother's pathetic drinking problem had escalated into something...bad is the only way I can put it. She was now drinking two or more gallons of whiskey a day and her smoking had escalated greatly.
I was talking to my little brother on the xbox, and mom was drinking.
She wasn't tipsy. She wasn't drunk. She'd gone psycho. All of a sudden, his mic went silent; he turned his off so I couldn't hear what he was saying.So I called to him a couple times. There wasn't an answer, I started to panic, knowing mom was drinking.Then the mic clicked on and he screamed into the mic,
"SARAH, CALL THE POLICE!"
The mic went silent.
I panicked. I had no idea what to do.
My ex was sitting next to me on the couch; he heard the whole thing. He didn't care about what happened.Or fear of what maybe happening. He didn't care about me or my life, in anyway. So, I did indeed called 911 because I had no idea what else to do. I was in Maryland and my brother in Oregon so, not much as you could imagine.
But I called and they patched me to the police in that small town in Oregon and the city police patched me to the Tribe. The police were there about two minutes after my call had reached tribal.
Turns out, that my mother had gone into a drunken rage and punched my little brother and pushed him over a chair, almost breaking his shin. He called her selfish. But that's what she is.
I have honestly, no idea why people run from who they are or candy-coat the truth. Because, deep down, they always know that they are the nasty, rude, selfish people they are hiding and they know, no matter what, that they will always be that person. She was trying to take everything from us and leave us on the streets with nothing. I don't know what that is to you, but to me, that is a big, nasty bowl of selfish.
And to do that to your kids?
The day after that, I was talking to my ex and he told me that he had pretending for the past three months or so and that he didn't break up with me because he didn't want to hurt my feelings. If he would have told me, I would have been there in Oregon, and I could have stopped mother's druken, psychotic rage. I could have been there. But no, I was wasting my time in Maryland, helpless. I didn't do much for about a week after that. Including eating and drinking anything. I didn't eat or drink. Because I was so depressed. I just laid in my bed and watched the ceiling. Finally, the ex's mom noticed and made me eat. I was so hungry that I couldn't stand. I hadn't eaten in so long, my stomach couldn't produce enough acid to break down the food that I ate so I threw it up. I was at the toilet, throwing up a lot. And I could constantly drink water and still be dehydrated.
I know now, what true depression is. And all of you people out there, pretending you are depressed, cutting your wrists, are not.
Because in my experience, you don't want to do anything. You just want to fade.
That's what depression is.
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